Monday, 25 February 2013



So there we were, the Sultana and I, busily spending some quality time ignoring each other while not watching a complicated crime drama on the misery box.

She on her iscrewwitheveryaspectofyourlifePad and me playing darts on my work iPhone. It's all it's good for as it can't actually make calls. The primary function being largely ignored by Apple in favour of apps you can play with while the intrusive map finds you a payphone.

She had made a remarkable Banoffie Pie, remarkable in the sense that it had no bananas in it. It was Offie Pie. It was good but definitely not one of your five a day. I had eaten lots in an ironically fruitless hunt for the banana. It was a scene of domestic bliss.

I was truly round and thought I may as well watch the crime show as the iPhone had decided I needed to insert a password I didn't know just to look at it. Presumably, it had come to the conclusion that my decision not to allow the world to know my location at all times was worthy of some kind of punishment.

Someone had been murdered in a sleepy little village for the fifth time this week and everyone was becoming a bit furrowed brow about it frankly.

Why would anyone want to move to this village? It's a death trap, your life expectancy was weeks. It was like a rural dignitas. It would be like looking for happiness in Albert Square.

Having said that, this village had plenty of pretty women and middled aged hunks for us middle aged people to stare at with middle aged eyes while figuring out either our phones, iPish or the plot.

Anyway, one of the characters, a forensic patholigist who had clearly researched where to live, was speaking to another of his number, a much older, wiser and far more sarcastic fella. The first man looked like the type who would wear a safety helmet on an exercise bike. The second looked like if he saw him he would superglue his arse to the seat. My kind of chap.

They spoke in complicated tones about this dead lad's entrails. Then one of them turned to the other and said: "There is strange fluid in his oesophagus. His throat. There is something in his throat."

"Yes, hmm his throat," said the other one, calmly.

Now I know there has to be explanation points throughout the plot for those who struggle to comprehend anything above the level of the Jeremy Kyle show, but this was going too far.

 It was unrealistic to the point of making me want to fight the telly and that is not normal, the Sultana told me.

In real life, this hairy hunk of contemptuous career loathing would use every hated day of his 40 years experience to turn on the young apprentice.

He would stare him deep in the eyes and say: "Listen dickhead, I know what an oesophagus is. I was cutting up bodies when your dad was still looking at your mum as though she was human and your mum looked at your dad as something more than a walking/sitting/eating/breathing red hot poker in the eye.

"If you do that again I will be forced to beat you to death with this curiously placed bat before ragging you around the mortuary by your septum. That's the partition separating your nostrils you bag of gibbering shite."

I have no idea why writers insist on considering their viewing public as dumb, really dense loons who don't have enough general knowledge to switch the telly on without a helpline gobshite talking them in. They write for the man in the adverts who can't figure out which shoe goes on which foot or why his food comes out of the oven hot.

I was awoken from my inner fury by the Sultana who decided it was time to chat. The battery on the iTwat had presumably ran out.

The conversation was about the iTwat and it's ability to do stuff that I would never need unless my brain became as disengaged as my children around housework.

This one sided chat was interrupted by my iPhone ringing for the first time this week. Congratulations caller, you made it through the darkness and reached me, I whispered hoping the phone wouldn't hear me and impose even more sanctions.

It was a wrong number, a woman asked for some Connor fella.

"Hello," she said all cocky and familiar as if I was used to phone conversations, "is that Connor Fella?"

"Yes but he is unable to come to the phone," I responded equally familiar. "He is laying in a pool of plastic bat induced blood and choking on the septum that is stuck in his oesophagus, that's his throat by the way."

Right am bored, someone scratch my arm, I said to the room by way of ending the evening.


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