Friday, 8 February 2013


My wife has been busy being a teacher this week.

The children have learnt many things from her wisdom but it's nothing compared to the shocks in store for me.

We live and learn she said. If I am to continue living then I apparently need to start the learning.

Here is a small selection of the pearls that have been launched at me this week.

1. The remote control is a family object apparently. I am not allowed to decide unilaterally that adverts are pish and therefore I can watch four seconds of every channel until I find something I like. This was news to me as I had always believed it was a right earned from having a dangler.

2. Switching off the toilet light while someone is doing some serious business is not funny the first time and develops into full on irritation the more I do it.

3. It is not babysitting and there are no brownie points if they are your own kids.

4. Grabbing a boob and saying rightho let’s go is not foreplay.

5. Teaching the children to pull faces behind the backs of supermarket staff is not “essential educational development”.

6. It is neither funny nor appropriate if a very fat lady at a dinner party says she used to suffer from anorexia to say "a while ago was it". It cannot be justified by saying she was more self obsessed than Piers Morgan.

7. It is not appropriate behaviour to say "look at the boobs on that" when watching a post mortem on a woman in Silent Witness.

8. Teaching the children to hold onto farts “until you can find a victim” is not an “educational tool to help in the fight against bullying”.

9. Dusting is not an avoidable speed bump on the road to hell.

10. Ironing is not something that is only done in the movies.

11. While honesty is generally the best policy, saying “right, am off for an indeterminate number of pints, will be wholly inappropriate, dance like a fool, spend a fortune and will be unlikely to surface until at least midday” is a step too far. I must return to simply announcing that I am off for couple of pints as at least there is hope in that phrase.

12. Explaining the phrase Fubar to the children using Lulu’s face as an example is neither funny nor “important knowledge to take into school”.

13. I am not a pioneer or survival expert simply because I don't change my underpants every day.

14. The spare room is not my TARDIS.  The empty cans of beer are not vital attachments to the control panel and they can be removed without  ripping a hole in the space-time continuum.

15. Saying "yeah, what's your problem" to posties and any delivery drivers is not acceptable and shouting in a pleading voice "please untie me, it hurts" while my wife is on the phone is not funny.

That's enough, it begins to hurt my soul after a while.
Think on fellas, your wives do not want to change you, they want to own you, to control you, to be in charge, hang on, ssshhh, she's coming in. Got to go.


  1. It is somewhat reassuring to know you are not left ranting, smelling, farting, pulling faces and flicking through TV channels all by yourself. A good bit of wisdom from the wife-kind (kind wife-kind) never goes amiss. So there. You've been told.

    1. I am often left alone though, through no fault of my own. My innocence is taken for granted.

  2. Personally, much as I love you, I'm with the wife......but then I'm the mother-in-law, so what else would you expect??????!!