Wednesday, 21 November 2012


My wife, the Sultana of Fun, has given me rules. I mentioned them. Well I have come to some agreement with my imaginary friend Tony the Scruffy Ghost and we have some rules of our own young lady.
Once we have discovered some courage we plan to consider maybe mentioning them quietly to the children before putting it out for consultation with the neighbours. It would then be brought back home to be presented for more consideration by myself, Tony and Hilary Clinton if she is about.
It will then sit in my secret filing system for a while along with the notion of putting a bar in the spare room, shaving all the teddy bears in the house to make cushions, getting a pet kangaroo and installing a doorbell that shocks the ringer while chiming what the f**k do you want?
Then and only then will I deliberately not mention them to the Sultana of Fun but know in my head that I have rules that she doesn’t know and I will indeed be victorious.
1.      It is perfectly acceptable to sing Dean Martin’s Volare or Toni Basil’s classic Hey Mickey at full volume while visiting the toilet.
2.      Talking to a tree after having a drink with an albino slug in the back garden is not to be frowned upon. It is to be sung about in folk songs by people with more hair than taste.
3.      I can hold workshops in rudeness with the children if I want as it is an important skill for them to learn.
4.      The vacuum cleaner does have an issue with me and it definitely is on a work to rule that involves it threatening me in German. Negotiations are pointless as it refuses to speak English.
5.      You cannot be absolutely sure that hard work never hurt anyone and without proof that no one ever has been then I am entitled to refuse to take the risk.
6.      Farting will remain funny for ever, oh and sausages can be considered a fruit.
7.      I did clean it, whatever it is.
8.      I do have terrifying and disabling flashbacks to my Black Ops days in Nam every time I try to climb a ladder. You don’t know what it was like.
9.      It is entirely possible to get vertigo at ground level when being told to do some gardening.
10.   Bins do empty themselves if you leave them alone for long enough.
11.   It is a well known form of seduction to flash my arse as I pass your desk. The ladies love it, you’re just weird.
12.   The dishwasher and I have fallen out after it attacked Tony the Scruffy Ghost one night when he tried to get a glass out to have some milk because he had indigestion. I refuse to forgive it.

These are the rules and if you don’t stick to them then I am within my rights to seek solace in the arms of Janice, the most loveable tree I have ever met. So think on.

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